


it's alright (just close your eyes)

by orphan_account



Series: our little corner of the world [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, this is cheesy be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 05:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8358793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Things are not always as rosy as they would like them to be.





	

**Author's Note:**

> there’s some direct homophobia in this one so please be warned/prepared. also, if you haven’t read 'take a look outside' this might not make sense..

 

x

 

 

There’s a distinct scent clinging to every kind of fabric Jongin owns. 

It’s most prominent on his clothes, spreads out like someone just put on some cologne whenever Kyungsoo touches his sweaters and rubs the fabric between his fingers, triggering some kind of chemical process that makes the fresh scent spread all over.

„It’s my fabric softener.“ Jongin explained when Kyungsoo asked him about it. „My mom always used it when we were kids… it reminds me of her.“ 

Kyungsoo blinks his eyes open. It’s fairly dark still and when Kyungsoo checks the time he’s surprised to find that it’s already ten past nine in the morning. 

It’s raining outside when he turns to look out the window, heavy dark clouds painting the sky and hiding the sun from the world underneath. He sinks back into the bed with a sigh, his eyes still burning after just having woken up. 

Jongin has practice at ten so Kyungsoo should start waking him up because it takes the younger at least half an hour until he can get himself to get out of bed.

He turns to his side, facing Jongin who is fast asleep as per usual. He’s snuggled into the pillows like some kind of human puppy, his mouth hanging open slightly with little snores coming out in a steady rhythm.

Kyungsoo chuckles quietly, closing his eyes again. 

He should be used to that kind of sight by now; waking up to Jongin snoring softly beside him. 

They _have_ been together for almost half a year after all.

And still; he can’t help but feel a sense of peace and happiness spread in his chest whenever he wakes up like this beside him.

It’s comfortable, it’s warm, safe. It’s completely perfect. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t manage to fall back asleep, simply lying in his bed with his eyes closed and his limbs feeling warmer and heavier than ever while he waits for Jongin to wake up. 

He should know better by now. Should know that Jongin definitely is _not_ going to wake up on his own. Like, that boy doesn’t even wake up when an alarm is ringing continuously right next to his ear (they’ve tried). 

Kyungsoo sighs and reaches a hand out, gently shaking his boyfriend’s shoulder. „Jongin.“

Said person doesn’t even stir; the only response Kyungsoo gets is another snore, louder than the previous ones.

He snorts and brushes his thumb over the boy’s cheekbone, smiling when Jongin moves his nose cutely but apart from that, doesn’t react to his voice or touch. 

„Jongin..“ Kyungsoo tries again, leaning up on his elbows. „You have practice with Yixing. You gotta wake up.“

He brushes his fingers over Jongin’s palm where he has his arms thrown over his head. Jongin whines because it probably tickles and turns his head to press his face into the pillow. „Hyung…“ Comes the muffled answer and just when Kyungsoo thinks he managed to wake him up, Jongin’s breathing starts to even out again.

Kyungsoo decides to change his approach. He leans down, hovering over Jongin’s form and lowers his face to his neck, brushing his lips against his pulse before he starts pressing kisses against the sensitive skin. Jongin smells like coconut there. He recently told Kyungsoo how much he likes the scent and sure enough, Kyungsoo found that his shampoos and body washes and even his moisturizers are coconut scented. He’s not complaining though; it suits Jongin. „I made breakfast for you.“

The goosebumps that naturally spread out on Jongin’s skin make him smirk and he kisses a bit higher, towards Jongin’s jaw and behind his ear and he feels proud when Jongin gives a satisfied sound at his actions. „It’ll turn cold if you don’t get up now.“ He says with another touch of his lips against Jongin’s skin, this one a bit more lingering.  


Jongin still doesn’t move a muscle though. „I put a lot of effort into it.“ Kyungsoo rolls his eyes to himself for having to use such methods to get the younger out of bed but he knows it’ll work and sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. „Alright then. I take it you don’t like my food.“

This makes the younger turn his head, his eyes blinking sleepily as he tries to focus them on Kyungsoo. „You’re not fair.“ Jongin rasps.

Kyungsoo snorts, only resisting for a moment when Jongin wraps a hand around his arm, trying to pull him closer. „It’s really a pain in the ass to get you up, you know that? Playing fair isn’t really a concern of mine.“ Kyungsoo sighs while Jongin only grunts something in reply, pulling on his arm until Kyungsoo gives in and is on top of him.

Jongin mumbles incomprehensible words and nuzzles into his neck. He feels warm and soft and it’s tempting, to slide back into bed with him but Kyungsoo isn’t going to spend his semester break doing nothing just because that’s what Jongin seems to have decided to do. „What time is it?“ Jongin slurs and Kyungsoo tries not to curl into him when he slides his hands under Kyungsoo’s shirt, fingers stroking the skin on Kyungsoo’s lower back, the tips disappearing beneath the waistline of his briefs.

„It’s almost ten.“ Kyungsoo closes his eyes when Jongin shifts underneath him, spreading his legs apart to pull Kyungsoo’s hips down and closer against his own.

„Too early.“ Jongin whispers, starting to press lingering kisses against Kyungsoo’s neck. „Let’s stay in bed. Do things…“

Kyungsoo knows what Jongin means by _things._ They’ve been doing _things_ almost nonstop ever since Jongin arrived here two days ago, making up for the three weeks they had to spend apart because of projects and deadlines getting in the way. 

„Let’s not.“ Kyungsoo is stronger than this. He’s not a hormone controlled teenager anymore. He’s an adult. 

But when Jongin sucks on his collarbone and slides a hand into his underwear, pushing his hips up and into Kyungsoo’s to make him feel his very prominent morning wood his resolve definitely threatens to crumble into nonexistence. „Stop.“ He groans, reaching behind himself to pull Jongin’s wandering hands away from his body. „Yixing’s going to pick you up in half an hour. Jongin- Stop fucking touching me!“ Kyungsoo half hisses and half laughs as he pushes his body up by placing his palms on either side of Jongin’s shoulders. „Come on. You need to eat something before you leave.“

Jongin blinks up at him and then a lazy smile appears on his face. „Want to _eat_ you.“

Kyungsoo shakes his head. „Is this supposed to turn me on?“

„No.“ Jongin pouts, already reaching for him again. „I’m just being honest.“

„I appreciate it.“ Kyungsoo states flatly.

Jongin grins some more, his his fingers starting to play with the hem of his shirt. He slides it up, revealing Kyungsoo’s skin. „You’re wearing my shirt.“ 

Kyungsoo tries not to flush when Jongin eyes him up and down, not as hungrily anymore but fond and maybe slightly proud.

There’s really no need for Kyungsoo to still be blushing all over the place whenever Jongin does things like this. 

But he can’t really help it and Jongin doesn’t seem to mind him turning back into the awkward, spluttering Kyungsoo whenever Jongin chooses his words just right. It’s like sometimes he just triggers something in Kyungsoo; something that turns his brain into goo and makes his heart go crazy.

It’s like he falls in love with Jongin all over again whenever it happens. 

„You gave it to me.“ Kyungsoo answers, biting back a smile when Jongin pushes himself up onto his elbows, their faces inches apart like this. 

Jongin’s hair is sticking up into every direction, his eyes puffy and lips pouty and just the sight of him makes Kyungsoo smile like an idiot.

„Because you look good in it.“ Jongin mumbles, leaning closer to brush their lips together. „I like you in my clothes.“ Kyungsoo doesn’t pull away when Jongin slides their lips together, although the soft sound Jongin makes against him has his arms trembling from where he’s still holding himself up. „Almost as much as I like you out of them.“ 

Kyungsoo groans in frustration but it gets lost in their kiss, in Jongin coaxing his lips apart with his tongue. 

„Jongin.“ He sighs into it, not able to resist the dopey smile on Jongin’s face.

„Hyung.“ Jongin hums, pressing his lips to the corner of Kyungsoo’s mouth. „Good morning.“

Kyungsoo laughs and sits up, curling his arms around Jongin’s shoulders to get him to do the same. „You’re an idiot.“ 

Jongin laughs into his shoulder, holds on to him tightly since otherwise he’d probably fall right back into the mattress. „For you I am.“ 

„Stop it. I’m serious.“ Kyungsoo frowns at him but he finds himself turning soft once he looks down into Jongin’s face, at how the younger is curling into him sleepily, resting against him like he wants to fall asleep gain. 

Jongin will always have this weird hold of him and Kyungsoo will always have this soft spot for Jongin because Jongin is his and Kyungsoo belongs to him and that’s that.

„I love you.“ Jongin mumbles against his neck and then leans back up to look into Kyungsoo’s eyes.

It always happens. Jongin always says those three words when Kyungsoo least expects it and he gets that look in his eyes whenever he does it because those words aren’t just a statement; they’re not the same as the _I love you’s_ most couples throw in before they end a phone call or something they say absently whenever they have to part for a short period of time.

When Jongin says it he always makes sure to catch Kyungsoo’s eyes, to make sure that Kyungsoo sees how they’re filled with warmth and adoration and so much love it could last a lifetime.

Kyungsoo smiles, not even upset about the fact that Jongin’s staring at him or that his face feels a little too hot. He chuckles at how corny Jongin is being again this morning but he still leans in to kiss his pretty mouth. To whisper „I love you too“ against it, just to see how happy Jongin gets, how his eyes light up and his hold on Kyungsoo tightens.

Just because he really, really means it. 

 

 

Twenty minutes later Jongin is getting dressed in his room with some french toast clenched between his lips because he doesn’t have enough time anymore for normal breakfast. 

And that’s definitely not because Jongin refused to stop kissing him in bed and they ended up making out one or two minutes too long. Nope.

Kyungsoo packs some lunch for Jongin because he knows how strict Yixing can be during practice days, knows that there’s no time to go out and buy actual lunch. And he also knows how hungry Jongin gets when he’s been practicing all day so he hopes the two sandwiches and the energy bars he’s packed for him will be enough for the day.

He’s putting a box with sliced fruits into Jongin’s sports bad when said boy enters the kitchen, pulling a hoodie over his head. „What are you doing?“ He asks with a faint smile on his face, eyeing Kyungsoo as he puts the box into his bag. 

„I put some food in there.“ Kyungsoo says and closes the bag. „You forget to eat when you’re dancing.“

Jongin smiles some more and reaches his hands out, curling them around Kyungsoo’s wrists to pull him into his chest. „You’re the best.“ 

Kyungsoo smiles to himself and hugs him back, pressing his palms against the muscles in Jongin’s back, the tips of his fingers running over the bumps of his spine. 

It’s kind of stupid, really, because Kyungsoo has all of that too. They have the same anatomy but Jongin’s body never ceases to amaze him. How his muscles move beneath his skin, how fragile his wrists seem compared to the rest of him, how his skin seems to glow when the sun shines down upon it. He has a birth mark on his left shoulder blade, a small one and Kyungsoo thinks it has the shape of a leaf.

He shakes his head at himself, groaning internally. When did he get like this?

It’s been three days since Jongin came here to stay for semester break and it’s going to be another six until he leaves again, which Kyungsoo silently is more than glad about. 

At this point, even if it’s only six months into their relationship, he’s sick of texting and talking to Jongin over the phone and through skype, going like this for weeks, telling himself that it’s enough when it really isn’t and then when they both finally have time to meet up, only getting to see him for one weekend at most.

It’s stupid; there are people who are in a relationship living on two separate continents but Kyungsoo’s selfish, he doesn’t care. It’s just how it is. 

Baekhyun’s gone for the break as well, spending his time in Greece together with Chanyeol after the latter had surprised him with holidays in Santorini for their third anniversary.

Kyungsoo still isn’t so sure how Chanyeol came up with the idea, or even the money for the trip, but he’s pretty sure Sehun’s got something to do with it, since him and Baekhyun are something like best friends now and Baekhyun must’ve been whining about Chanyeol being as romantic as a rock.

So Jongin’s here, they’re alone, things are okay and Kyungsoo, for the first time in a long while, feels content and happy and there is surprisingly not a single worry in his mind.

They’re still a little lost in the other’s arms when a honk from outside makes them jump apart. 

Kyungsoo steps back and picks Jongin’s bag up, walking over to sling it over the boy’s shoulder. „Don’t hurt yourself again. You’re not doing enough warm ups.“ 

Jongin smiles down at him, leans in to kiss his cheek. „Don’t worry so much about me, baby.“ 

Kyungsoo gets flustered at the nickname. Jongin hasn’t been using it for long, a few weeks maybe but it’s only been days since Kyungsoo has heard him say it in person and it does strange things to him whenever he calls him that. 

He didn’t like it at all, at first, because Kyungsoo is older than him and it somehow felt degrading to hear it coming from Jongin; like the younger didn’t respect him or didn’t see him as the older out of the both of them. 

But then Jongin pushed him down into the mattress the first night he spent here and pressed kisses all over his skin, whispering „ _Baby_ …“ Into his ear while his hand gripped Kungsoo’s hips possessively, voice laced with lust and want and Kyungsoo couldn’t do anything but moan desperately when Jongin called him that.

So he kind of likes it.

Maybe.

Jongin doesn’t need to know that.

The younger is busy tying up his shoe laces when Kyungsoo remembers something. 

„Wait!“ He exclaims before Jongin can leave, sprints back into the kitchen to grab Jongin’s bottle from the fridge. He rushes back and sticks it into the net holder at the side of Jongin’s bag. 

Jongin chuckles at him. „Thank you hyung, but there’s water at the studio too-“

„I’ve put the thing inside.“ Kyungsoo interrupts him. He feels a little stupid all of a sudden. Realizes that he’s acting like a mother seeing her son off to school or something. He clears his throat, eyebrows scrunching up in the middle like they always do when he does something stupid or embarrassing. „I uhm.. you know. The energy powder Yixing gave you. To keep you going.“

Jongin watches him silently for a few seconds and then he’s stepping forwards, hands coming up to frame Kyungsoo’s face to make him look away from the ground and into his eyes instead. „Thank you.“ Jongin says, eyes warm and gentle and fond as he leans in to seal their lips together.

Before Kyungsoo can properly respond to the kiss there’s another honk breaking them apart. Jongin sighs, annoyed and Kyungsoo chuckles, pushing him away by his chest.

„You’d better go now.“ Kyungsoo says.

„Yixing hyung needs to chill. He’s always so stressed.“ Jongin mumbles as he walks towards the door.

„He’s also your boss.“ Kyungsoo snorts, holding the door open for Jongin.

„I know. He reminds me every day.“ Jongin scoffs. „See you… around six?“ 

Kyungsoo nods. „What do you want for dinner?“

Yup, still a mother seeing her son off to school.

God…

„I don’t care as long as it’s cooked by you.“ The younger laughs and Kyungsoo gives him one last push to make him rush down the stairs so he doesn’t see the fond smile on his face. 

 

 

 

While Jongin’s gone, Kyungsoo cleans the house a little and then spends some time playing one of Baekhyun’s zombie games (so much for not wanting to spend his semester break doing nothing). Baekhyun calls him to face time and Kyungsoo only feels mildly jealous about the sea in the background and the beautiful room they’re staying in. 

„You look darker.“ Kyungsoo says. 

Baekhyun shrugs. „I know. I’ll probably be even darker than Jongin when I come home.“ 

He says it like it’s a bad thing, which for him, it probably is.

Kyungsoo decides to keep his mouth shut, because Baekhyun’s an idiot sometimes and Kyungsoo loves Jongin’s skin and that’s all that matters. 

„How is it going?"

„It's amazing here Kyung!" Baekhyun smiles into the camera. „I wish you could be here and see all of this."

„Hm." Kyungsoo hums, laughing when Chanyeol tries to push his face into the camera but Baekhyun swats him away like he's an annoying fly. „You should be nicer to him; he did buy this trip, you know."

„He's been paying more attention to the local girls than me so he can fuck right off."

„I did no such thing!" Chanyeol shouts but Baekhyun just flips him off. 

„Asshole." He mutters. 

Kyungsoo chuckles. „I'm glad to see you're enjoying yourselves."

Baekhyun laughs and they talk some more until Kyungsoo has to hang up because he still has to cook dinner and when he starts pulling the ingredients out, it’s a little over past five. 

 

He’s a little surprised when the doorbell rings a few minutes later, especially since Jongin has the spare key to the apartment, which means he shouldn’t have to ring the doorbell at all. 

So maybe he should’ve been a little more suspicious before opening the door, but they live in a quiet neighborhood and everyone knows everyone so he isn’t. 

He opens the door and is more than a little taken aback to see an older man standing there, clad in an expensive looking suit, staring him right in the eyes. 

„Can I help you?“ Kyungsoo asks, hand automatically gripping the handle a little tighter in case he has to shut the door. 

The man looks him up and down silently and Kyungsoo feels uncomfortable, not just from the obvious judgement happening immediately but there’s something about the man.

Something familiar but he can’t immediately put his finger on what it is. 

„Do Kyungsoo?“ The man asks, now facing him again and Kyungsoo’s mouth suddenly feels a little dry because he sees something. 

The man’s eyes are…

They’re…

„Yes.“ He responds after a moment of silence, blinking stupidly at how familiar those eyes are. „Who are you?“ 

The man nods, like he was expecting the answer and he clears his throat. „I’m Kim Junseok.“ 

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything to that. He shuts his mouth, posture automatically stiffening, eyes hardening, fingers curling into fists. 

He knows who the man is, but he doesn’t know how to react.

His heart is pounding a little too fast in his chest and he just really, really wants Jongin to come home right now.

„I’m Jongin’s father.“ He adds then, taking Kyungsoo’s silence for uncertainty when really, Kyungsoo knew the second he stared into those eyes who were so unnervingly similar to Jongin’s yet so different at the same time.

„I-“ Kyungsoo starts and then stops, because Jongin’s father is staring him down with such an intense glare, like he’s expecting something to happen.

Kyungsoo clears his throat and bows down. „It’s nice to meet you.“

The man nods, curtly, and it shouldn’t but it hurts, how forced it seems. „I am here to talk to you. Do you have time right now?“ 

Kyungsoo probably should say no. Should ask him how he knows about him, how he knows about where he lives, that he isn’t about to let strangers inside, especially not when they’ve been making Jongin’s life a living hell for most of life. 

But the questions are stupid.

Of course he knows about Kyungsoo, of course he knows where he lives. 

Jongin told him that his father still hadn’t stopped making his men keep an eye on Jongin.

Somehow, Kyungsoo simply is curious why it took the man so long to show up. 

And he couldn’t send the man away anyways, wouldn’t know how and he fees too small in front of this man, like it wouldn’t even matter if he said no. And he doesn’t… he doesn’t want to be disrespectful, even if Jongin probably wouldn’t even blame him for it.

„Do you want to come inside?“ He asks, his voice cracking a bit. He curses himself silently for acting like this but steps aside once Jongin’s father walks inside. 

The man doesn’t take off his shiny shoes and Kyungsoo can’t help but think that he’s scared someone might steal them. He has the decency to brush them off on the mat, so there’s that. 

He leads the man to their living room, silently glad for having cleaned it before. 

Kyungsoo tries his best to ignore the way the man’s eyes take in the apartment and something lodges in his throat when he sees the barely concealed scowl that shows up on his face. 

And it’s even more scary because really, Jongin looks a lot like his dad.

They have the same eyes, same skin tone and the nose… it’s like it’s been copied from the man’s face straight into Jongin’s. 

„Would you like a coffee? Or.. maybe tea?“ Kyungsoo tries. 

Jongin’s father looks at him again and shakes his head. „I have a meeting shortly so I would like to get this over with quickly.“

Kyungsoo closes his mouth and nods, nervously gesturing for the man to sit down. 

„I assume you know why I am here.“ The man speaks once they’ve both settled down. 

The man’s eyes shoot to Kyungsoo’s legs, something like a scowl appearing on his face and Kyungsoo realizes that he’s sitting with his thighs squeezed together tightly like he always does when he’s nervous. He quickly spreads them apart and leans back, trying to come off as more…

More what, exactly?

More manly.

That’s it.

It doesn’t matter. Jongin’s father seems pleased with his posture now and Kyungsoo feels a little sick.

„I’m not sure.“ Kyungsoo answers, trying to keep his voice steady despite the thousands of questions running through his mind. 

The man sighs and it’s only now does Kyungsoo notice the small package beside him. „I want to talk to you about my son. About Jongin. About… About what has been going on between the two of you.“ He says. 

Kyungsoo just stares at him, not really trusting his own voice anymore at this point.

He should’ve been prepared for something like this to happen. 

He should’ve thought about how it was going to be; what he was going to say.

But he didn’t. He was so immersed into his relationship with Jongin and the happiness it brought to them that he didn’t spend a single thought on the dark side of things.

And now it’s happening and Kyungsoo is unprepared and this is going to be horrible, he can already tell.

„Look.“ Jongin’s father speaks. „I haven’t talked to my son in a while now. But I have been keeping an eye on him and I know that you two have become quite close as of lately.“ 

„Why?“ Kyungsoo asks.

„Excuse me?“

„Why are you keeping an eye on him?“ Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s asking. 

The man seems taken aback too, but only for a second before his face turns back to a stoic expression. „It’s something that needs to be done. I like to know what’s going on with my family, and since Jongin has chosen to leave I don’t have another choice.“ 

_Chosen._

Kyungsoo wants to laugh at the terrible choice of wording but he feels a little too shaken and his fingernails are digging into his palms where Jongin’s father can’t see.

„Let me get straight to the point, Do Kyungsoo.“ The man says next and the way he says his name makes the hairs on his nape stand up. „I am not stupid. I can assume in what type of… _relationship_ you are with my son. I do not approve of it. Jongin is aware of that and I imagine you are too.“

Kyungsoo gulps. „Why are you here?“

„Jongin is still young. He’s at still at an age where people are bound to make mistakes. It happens. But as his father it is my job to bring him back to the right path; to show him where he went wrong and help him fix it.“ 

„Fix it?“ Kyungsoo croaks. „Fix… what? His choice of career?“ He knows what the man meant; he just doesn’t want to believe it. 

„That as well; dancing is not going to get him anywhere in life and it is not a career that will secure him a future. I am mostly talking about his preference for the wrong gender though.“ The man says, staring straight into Kyungsoo’s eyes. And Kyungsoo isn’t dumb, he notices how satisfied the man seems when Kyungsoo recoils from his words, not able to hide just how close it hit to home.

„Jongin is an excellent dancer.“ Kyungsoo says then, sitting up a bit straighter. He isn’t going to argue about the main issue with this man because he knows how those people work, knows that no matter what you say, they won’t listen. Won’t understand. But he’s not going to be silent over this; not when he’s bashing Jongin for doing what he loves. „He’s perfect.“ 

The man only sighs at this, folding his hands in his lap as he leans back against the couch. „Jongin was never supposed to choose such a ridiculous career in his life. He will take over my business. He will be successful and he will have an equally successful wife at his side. And I’m afraid I can’t help him achieve that with you being in the way and having a negative influence on him.“

Kyungsoo can’t do anything but stare at the man while his chest tightens terribly, making it hard to breathe. He tries to keep himself together but all those words; they feel like a slap to the face, a punch to the gut. His lips are parted, like he wants to say something but nothing comes out.

The man reaches for the small package beside him and puts it on the coffee table between them, sliding it over to Kyungsoo’s side. „I heard you lost your parents at a very young age. I’m sorry for that - it must’ve been hard to grow up without your parents’ support. In here is a check. It is a decent amount of money. Enough to pay for your education. A bigger apartment. Maybe even a nice car. You are a business administration major, aren’t you? I could secure you a good job after you graduate. A position no one who recently graduated could ever work in otherwise.“ 

Kyungsoo stares at the white little package for what seems like hours and it feels like he doesn’t breathe at all. „What?“ Kyungsoo manages to say but his voice cracks horribly once he makes sense of the words.

„I just want you to get out of the way.“ Jongin’s father slowly says, looking into Kyungsoo’s eyes with intent. „You’re still very young too. You can find yourself a girlfriend and forget about this mistake.“ 

He doesn’t even listen to the last part. It’s nothing he hasn’t heard before. But still, even after all this time, after thinking he’s immune to this kind of treatment, his sight starts getting blurry. „I-I can’t do that.“ 

_I won’t leave Jongin,_ is what he wants to say but speaking is hard and he really just wants this man to leave.

He can’t wrap his mind around the fact that someone like this is Jongin’s father. Not when Jongin isfull of sunshine and warm smiles and sweet kisses and stupid jokes and so, so much love… 

„I can give you more money if that’s the problem.“ The man says next. He watches Kyungsoo quietly, like he’s waiting for him to break and he might not have to wait all that long because Kyungsoo isn’t strong, he’s weak and pathetic and all of this hurts a little too much. „I am sure you don’t want to hear this, but someone has to say it.“ Jongin’s father takes a deep breath before he continues. „You are not suitable to be at my son’s side; your gender aside.“

Kyungsoo’s breath hitches and his hands shake and he doesn’t know what to do, what to say.

„Jongin deserves the best in this world. He deserves to be respected. He deserves to have a family. To have _children._ You can’t give him any of that. You’re older than him, and you should know better. Jongin will never make it, be it as a dancer or as something else, as long as he doesn’t throw away this notion of him being… gay. I really think that you are having a huge influence on him at the moment, that he is letting himself be led by the feelings you provoke in him. If you care about Jongin at all, you should take a step back and let him go back to his family and work on fixing what is left of his reputation. I’m ready to help him, but not like this. He can’t make it with you by his side and I think you know that too.“ 

Jongin deserves the best. Jongin deserves _the world_.

His hands are shaking and he brings them to front his shirt - Jongin’s sweater - to clench the fabric between his fingers, hoping that he man doesn’t see that he’s seconds away from cracking. 

His chest hurts. It feels like something is tearing at his heart from both sides. It’s horrible and Kyungsoo’s throat is closing up around a thick lump.

Kyungsoo can’t give Jongin anything.

Is he really holding him back?

Is Jongin just too blinded by his feelings to see that he’s making a mistake?

Is he going to wake up one day, look at Kyungsoo and feel regret?

Even the thought of it makes Kyungsoo hold back a pained sound. 

Kyungsoo could never hold Jongin back from achieving great things in his life. All he wants is to see him smile and be happy and do what he loves; he would never do anything to harm him.

But is Kyungsoo harming him by simply being with him?

Because the truth is; Jongin will never be respected the way he deserves to be as long as he’s with Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo’s not good for him. He’s not enough. He’s not good enough, he never was, never will be.

„Don’t.“ The man suddenly says. Kyungsoo takes a shuddering breath and finally looks up, eyes clouded with tears he can’t manage to blink away. „Don’t cry in front of me. You’re a man, act like one… for god’s sake.“ He hisses the last part, an irritated look on his face.

It's absolutely degrading. Kyungsoo’s face is burning in anger and frustration and humiliation and his skin feels too tight and he really just wants to disappear and erase this encounter from his memory forever.

_You’re no man._

Jongin’s father doesn’t say it - he doesn't have to - but it’s there in the way he looks down at Kyungsoo. It’s hidden between the words he spits out.

Kyungsoo only tunes back into the living room when Jongin’s father looks to the side. Kyungsoo bites his lip, trying so hard to keep it together when his eyes land on Jongin, who’s standing there with his sports bag hanging from his shoulder, hair sticking everywhere from sweat and he’s staring at his father with wide eyes.

„Hello, son.“ Jongin’s dad says and this is when Jongin’s eyes flicker towards Kyungsoo, taking in his state even though Kyungsoo turns his face away to hide. Jongin’s face hardens instantly, his eyes turning cold and his jaw tightening once he sees the unshed tears in Kyungsoo’s eyes.

„What are you doing here?“ Jongin asks his father and Kyungsoo presses his eyes closed because he has never heard Jongin’s voice like this; so cold.

It doesn’t seem to irritate his dad, who keeps a straight face despite the anger laced within Jongin’s words. „I came to talk to your friend.“ 

„What did you say to him?“ Jongin wants to know and while he looks livid, his father seems way too calm as he meets his son’s eyes.

„We just had a quick chat.“

„What did he say to you?“ Jongin turns to Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo tries not to recoil from the look in Jongin’s eyes. The younger has never looked at him like this. He has never looked at Kyungsoo with anything else but warmth and adoration in his eyes. 

„Jongin-“ He tries but he doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to make the situation better because the truth would make this all worse.

„What did you say to him?!“ Jongin asks his father again, louder and more demanding. 

„What needed to be said a long time ago.“ His father answers, sitting up straighter. „I should’ve come here and ended things the moment I understood what was going on.“

„You had no right to show up here.“ Jongin shakes his head, hands curled into fists at his sides.

„I didn’t know you would be here too.“ Jongin’s father explains. „But I’m glad you are. I haven’t seen you in over a year.“

Jongin scoffs but it sounds strained. „So what? I know you didn’t miss me.“

„Of course I missed you Jongin. You’re my son.“ 

„I bet that’s not what you tell your partners at work.“ Jongin drops his bag to the floor. „You need to leave. Right now.“ 

„We should talk, Jongin. I talked to your friend-“

„His name’s Kyungsoo.“ Jongin interrupts harshly.

„Will you hear me out?“ Jongin’s dad looks up at his son and it’s silent, almost suffocating and for one moment Kyungsoo thinks that Jongin is going to give in. 

But Jongin doesn’t. „I won’t. I want you to leave.“

They stare each other down for a moment and Kyungsoo feels so out of place, like he shouldn’t just watch Jongin and his dad break apart even more but then again, is there even anything left to fix?

The man’s eyes flicker over to Kyungsoo and he flinches at the look in his eyes, like a warning. Jongin steps closer to Kyungsoo, trying to draw the man’s attention away from the older, shielding him from view. 

„I am disappointed in you, Jongin. Beyond words. But at the end of the day you're still my son and I only want what's best for you. I wish you could see past your anger and understand my point of view.“ His father says next, shaking his head like he’s tired. „You’re a Kim. Even if I overlook the fact that your friend is… a man, it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to be seen with him. You shouldn’t settle for anyone lower than you deserve-“

„Don’t!“ Jongin cuts him off, voice suddenly coming out shaky. „Don’t talk about him like that.“ He shakes his head. „Not him.“ Kyungsoo hears him make a sound, so vulnerable it makes Kyungsoo want to stand up and wrap him up in his arms. 

„I’m…“ Jongin starts then and Kyungsoo hears how he takes a deep breath. „I’ve got nothing to say to you. And I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. Please leave.“ 

„Jongin-“ The man starts and Kyungsoo is taken aback by the emotions in his voice, almost as if he’s sorry for his words, slightly desperate too.

„Dad!“ Jongin exclaims, interrupting him. „What- What do you take me for? Do you expect me to welcome you here with open arms? After all you’ve done? You disowned me for something that isn’t my fault! I needed you so much back then and all of you turned your backs on me! And you still keep trying everything to destroy my life-“

„I’m trying to protect you!“ Jongin’s father says, voice raising now and Kyungsoo flinches in his seat, fingers curling into the fabric of his own sweater. The man stands up and walks around the coffee table, towards Jongin, who in return takes a step back, the back of his knees hitting Kyungsoo’s. „I only want you to have a good life, Jongin. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t want you to look back years from now and regret your decisions. I won’t allow your absurd feelings for this man to destroy your entire life.“

„The only way I’m ever going to regret my decisions is if I make the mistake of trusting you again.“ Jongin says and his words somehow cut deep because Kyungsoo’s face crumbles silently, hurting for Jongin and his family; for them being the way they are now. 

He wishes he could help because he knows Jongin is hurting too, knows it from the way the younger’s voice breaks at the end of his sentence. No one would ever want to be on such bad terms with their family.

„You are so, so strong headed, Jongin.“ The man then sighs, gazing at Jongin with something close to remorse in his eyes. „But I guess you have that from me too.“

He hears how Jongin takes a shuddering breath before the younger squares his shoulders, looks at his dad with a tired expression and a faint „Please just go.“

Kyungsoo looks up and feels like an intruder when he sees how Jongin and his father are staring at each other. 

„Your mother misses you." 

„I bet she does." Jongin snorts but his voice is shaking, like he's on the verge of tears.

The man stares at Jongin for a long time before he finally nods, his shoulders dropping and for a moment Kyungsoo feels bad for him, because Jongin is his son but the love between them seems to have vanished. He hasn’t ever seen Jongin like this, his eyes so guarded and cold as he stares at the man who’s supposed to be someone he looks up to, his rock, his _dad._ He can only imagine how hurtful that must feel as a parent.

But then he remembers everything he did to Jongin, and all those things he said before Jongin showed up and something heavy lodges itself in his throat. He just wants to go and hide underneath his blanket and forget about everything that happened in the past thirty minutes

Jongin moves, leans down to pick up the little package from the coffee table and then pushes it into his father’s hands. Like he knows what’s in there, knows why is father brought it here. „Don’t show up here again.“ 

Kyungsoo looks down at his feet and it’s completely silent for a few seconds before he hears footsteps and then, a moment later, the sound of the front door shutting. 

It’s silent for a few moments and Kyungsoo slowly tilts his head up, sees how tense the lines of Jongin’s back are and he’s at a loss for words, doesn’t know what to say to make any of this better.

He stands up then, tries to swallow down the lump of feeling because no matter how bad this made him feel, Jongin must be ten times worse. 

The younger doesn't move for a while so Kyungsoo reaches his hand out to curl it around his arm, trying to turn him around. 

But Jongin keeps his head down, facing away from Kyungsoo and it almost hurts more than his father's words. 

„Jongin..." He starts, unsure whether Jongin wants to talk or not. 

Jongin shakes his head and then, brushes Kyungsoo's fingers off. And then he just walks away, grabs his sport's bag from the floor and before Kyungsoo has another chance to say something, the front door slams shut for the second time, the sound making him flinch. 

Kyungsoo stands like this for a few seconds and he doesn't really feel anything else but his heart beating everywhere and the slight tremor in his fingers. He clenches them tightly into the hem of his - Jongin's - shirt to stop it, to try and convince himself that he's okay, that he's not about to break down in tears. 

It is okay though, because Jongin has every right to be upset. It's okay for him to need some time for himself after this, Kyungsoo understands that, knows how vulnerable the subject of his family is to Jongin. Knows that those are the only people who can hurt Jongin with one single word.

But he wants to be there for him, he wants to hug him and tell him that it's okay, that it'll be fine.

But Jongin obviously doesn't want that; at least not at the moment. 

And according to Jongin's father, the younger probably doesn't want it all. Doesn't need his help, doesn't want someone like Kyungsoo by his side. Someone so low, and pathetic, and simply not enough for Jongin in every kind of way. 

Kyungsoo bites down on his lip, shaking his head to get rid of the thoughts. He knows they're not true, knows the man said those things to trick Kyungsoo’s mind into believing it.

And he just might have succeeded because Kyungsoo's chest hurts, thinking about not being enough for Jongin, thinking about the boy leaving him. 

It would rip his heart out, because Kyungsoo has never given himself to anyone like that, has never loved someone the way he loves Jongin, so deeply and tenderly and entirely. He loves Jongin to pieces, so he's not sure what he should do if Jongin would wake up one day to realize that he made a mistake, that he doesn't want Kyungsoo like that, that he regrets everything that happened between them.

He's scared to say the least because he doesn't know what Jongin is doing right now, doesn't know what's happening inside his head... There are tears brimming in his eyes because of the possibility of Jongin nagging over his father's words, that something might tell him that his dad's right, that he should go back and start over and be the good kid his family wants him to be. 

Kyungsoo takes a shaky breath, tries to calm down a little since he knows what will happen if he doesn't. He has never had to deal with it alone, Baekhyun was always there to rub his back, murmur "It's okay Soo. You're fine. Just breathe in and out..."Until it was all over. He doesn't want to get through a panic attack alone, it's scary, feels like he's going to die and it's stupid because he's so weak. 

Jongin's dad is right, Kyungsoo is a man, he shouldn't be this weak, he shouldn't be crying over stuff like this... 

The thoughts make everything worse.

He's alone, Baekhyun's not here to help him and Jongin's gone too and he's left alone with his mind, Jongin's dad's words replaying in his mind all the time over and over again until it gets hard to breathe.

"Get your shit together." Kyungsoo whispers to himself, blinking away the wetness in his eyes.

He walks into the kitchen and sees the stuff he had prepared to make dinner. He picks them up again, hoping that cooking will distract him somehow and prevent him from panicking over nothing. 

It works, for a while, and he cooks Jongin’s favorite meal which is simple fried chicken and noodles with vegetables. His temples are throbbing and there’s a stabbing pain behind his eyes, the words floating around in his mind all the time.

His hands feel  cold, everything that always happens before he freaks out but he tries to hold himself together; too scared that Jongin might come home and see him like that. 

 

The dinner is ready and hour later and Jongin still hasn’t come back. 

Kyungsoo sits at the table he has already set and his heart hurts with every passing second in which he waits for the front door to open but it doesn’t. He waits for half an hour and nothing happens and it feels like the air is weighing down on his shoulders, his heart heavy with worry for Jongin and the words that are sticking to the insides of his head. 

He gulps, his fingers fiddling some more with Jongin’s shirt as he tries to stay calm.

Checking his phone is useless; there’s nothing apart from messages of a group chat consisting of some friends from college and a selfie from Baekhyun and the back of Chanyeol’s head. 

Normally he would laugh; send something back, but he can barely breathe around the lump in his throat at the lack of messages from Jongin. 

Jongin never does this. Usually, he texts him wherever he goes, to make sure Kyungsoo doesn’t worry. He knows Jongin probably wants to be alone now but he doesn’t even reply to his text and Kyungsoo can’t help but feel that his worries might be justified. 

He keeps seeing Jongin sitting in the bus, on his way home to go back and talk to his father, ask for help, apologize. Apologize for being with someone like Kyungsoo, he doesn’t know. All he knows is that Jongin isn’t here, isn’t picking up his phone.

Every other normal person would sit down and wait but not Kyungsoo, because he isn’t normal, because he’s stupid and his anxiety is trying to strangle him.

He gets up and starts to clean the table, the dinner has gone cold by now. He puts some of it into a plastic container anyways because Jongin surely will be hungry when he comes back. 

_If he does,_ his mind corrects him once again.

Once he has cleaned the kitchen he looks at his phone. Sees that it’s almost eight. Jongin’s been gone for almost three hours. Kyungsoo tries to tell himself that it’s okay, that he’s probably just walking around somewhere to sort out his thoughts.

But then again, Jongin wasn’t even wearing a warm jacket when he left, and it’s April, it’s still cold outside at night and Jongin tends to catch a cold really easily.

He sits on the couch for what seems like hours, contemplating wether he should call him or not. He doesn’t want to be annoying, not now, not when Jongin wants space and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to do anything to scare him away even more. 

Watching TV doesn’t help; there’s a show playing which he always watches with Baekhyun and he hasn’t ever wanted his best friend to be here with him like in this moment. He misses him a lot, and he wishes he wasn’t so stubborn, so he could pick up his phone and call Baekhyun and listen to his voice and tell him that he’s scared.

But he can’t. He doesn’t want to ruin Baekhyun’s vacation. He knows that he hasn’t ever been abroad and that this will probably be the last time for a long while.

Baekhyun has to deal with Kyungsoo on a daily basis; he shouldn’t have to worry about him right now as well.

His headache gets worse and when he goes to get some pain killers he realizes that they’ve run out of them. 

And somewhere between trying to ease the pain in his head by rubbing his temples - as if he can rub away all those ugly words and thoughts that way - and checking his phone and the front door, he falls asleep.

 

 

The first thing he notices when he wakes up is that the TV is still on and it’s completely dark outside.

He feels his heart drop to the pit of his stomach, sitting up with the biggest lump in his throat as he fumbles with his phone to look at the time. 

It’s almost midnight. 

It’s almost midnight and Jongin still isn’t here, and there’s no messages, nothing. He didn’t even read the messages Kyungsoo sent him hours ago.

„Why?" Kyungsoo mumbles to himself.

Why didn’t Jongin come back?

_It’s almost midnight._

He puts the phone down with unsteady fingers and his vision immediately blurs with tears. He’s scared. He doesn’t know if something happened to Jongin or if Jongin-

If he just didn’t come back because he doesn’t want to.

No, no. He needs to stop thinking like that. 

It’s not like that, Kyungsoo is just freaking out as per usual, Jongin will surely come back any minute…

All those thoughts don’t have the desired effect on him. Kyungsoo tries to take a deep breath, tries to stay calm but he ends up curling in on himself on the couch, ends up pulling his knees against his chest and pressing his face against them. 

His chest hurts and his head hurts and he keeps thinking about the man’s words, about Jongin pulling away from him and how he just left like that. Jongin never is like that with him, he’s always way too kind, always makes sure to says goodbye or tell Kyungsoo where he is and what he’s doing when they’re apart again because he knows Kyungsoo will worry otherwise. 

He knows he shouldn’t cry. There’s no reason to cry.

Except there is; because Jongin’s parents resent their son for being in love with a man, because Jongin will never make it as long as he’s in a relationship with him, because Kyungsoo isn’t sure how his own parents would react if they were still alive. Because his parents _aren’t_ alive.

He’s not good enough, he’s too weak, he worries too much, he blushes like a girl all the time and in return he’s going to lose Jongin. 

His silent sobs sound too loud in the empty apartment and all Kyungsoo wants is for Baekhyun to be here, to talk some sense into him, to tell him to get a grip and that things are going to be fine.

Kyungsoo cries pathetically for what seems like hours and the hot tears cause a horrible headache, make his ears buzz and everything’s just dizzy and he’s too tired. He just wants to go to sleep and pretend none of this is happening. 

He doesn’t hear the front door opening; doesn’t hear it closing again, isn’t aware of the cautious footsteps getting closer. He doesn’t even hear the bag hitting the ground with a rather loud thud (or maybe he does but he’s pretty sure it’s just his imagination). 

But a moment later he feels hands on his arms and he flinches; stiffens for a moment before his face crumples from the force of relief washing through his limbs. He presses his eyes closed and pulls his arms closer around himself, trying to hide because he’s too ashamed about Jongin finding him like this. 

Jongin crouches down in front of him, gently pulling at Kyungsoo’s legs to pull them away from his body. Kyungsoo doesn’t resist but he still hides his face behind his arms and Jongin doesn’t force those away- simply wraps his arms around Kyungsoo. 

He doesn’t say anything for a long time, only tightens his arms around Kyungsoo’s form and pulls him closer until he’s kneeling between Kyungsoo’s legs, until Kyungsoo wipes his tears on his arms and slowly wraps them around Jongin’s waist, his breath still hitching with suppressed sobs. Jongin smells freshly of coconut again and Kyungsoo knows he must’ve taken a shower but he isn’t in the right mind to figure out where he was. He just tries to calm down by letting Jongin’s warmth surround him and inhaling his familiar scent.

„I’m sorry.“ Jongin mumbles against his neck, pulling Kyungsoo even closer. „I’m sorry hyung.“

„Where did you go?“ Kyungsoo asks. His voice cracks and he feels dead tired all of a sudden, his body nearly sagging against Jongin’s. He didn’t notice just how anxious he was when Jongin didn’t come back but right now he does and he can’t remember the last time he’d been so on edge that it left his muscles aching and hands trembling.

„I went back to hyung’s studio.“ Jongin says and his voice sounds rough as well. Kyungsoo hopes he didn’t cry. 

„I tried to call you.“ Kyungsoo gulps, his fingers curling into Jongin’s sweater. „I was worried.“

Jongin makes a pained sound and turns his head to kiss Kyungsoo’s cheek - once, twice before shaking his head and burying his face tightly against Kyungsoo’s shoulder. „I’m sorry. I just- I needed to calm down. I didn’t want to lash out on you. I’m sorry, I should have told you. I know how much you worry. I’m such an idiot.“ 

Kyungsoo blinks and sighs, his lips brushing against Jongin’s shoulder. „It’s okay. I understand.“

„It’s not okay.“ Jongin pulls back and cradles Kyungsoo’s face, tilting it up when Kyungsoo doesn’t look at him. Kyungsoo slowly looks up in time to see Jongin’s face fall when he takes in Kyungsoo’s blotchy face and wet eyes. „Hyung. I shouldn’t have left. I’m so fucking stupid. What did he say to you?“ 

„It’s not important.“

„What did he say to you?“ He repeats, a pleading look in his eyes. „I know how manipulative he can be. He knows what to say to make people feel horrible. I know he hurt you hyung. Please tell me what he said to you.“ 

Kyungsoo shakes his head. „Just… just that I should leave you alone.“ 

Jongin stares at him for a few seconds and sighs. „Why won't you tell me?“

„Because you’re upset enough as it is.“ Kyungsoo sighs. „I don’t want to add to that, okay? It doesn’t matter. You can… probably imagine what he said.“ 

„You know none of that is true, right?“ Jongin gives him an urgent look as he pulls Kyungsoo’s face closer to his own. „All of that was a lie. You’re perfect. You’re perfect for me. I don’t want anyone else, I don’t need anything else but this. I’ve never been as happy as I am when I’m with you, hyung. You know that right?“ 

Kyungsoo tries to smile but his eyes are prickling again. „Are you sure?“ 

„What?“ Jongin’s face falls again. „Of course I am. How can you even ask me that?“ 

He shrugs and looks down at the words etched into Jongin’s sweater. „I know he said those things to manipulate me. I’m not dumb. But… what he said. It’s not _wrong._ “

„What do you mean?“ 

„I mean that he was right when he said that you’re still young and that you might wake up someday and realize that everything was a mistake.“ Kyungsoo shakes his head when Jongin opens his mouth to protest. „No, listen. I just don’t want you to have any regrets, okay? I don’t want you to feel pressured to stay with me if you ever feel like you don’t want this relationship anymore.“

Jongin stares at him for a good minute, his eyes hardening and lips parted in disbelief. „What are you saying?“

„Jongin-“

„Did I _ever_ give you a reason to believe I might get sick of you anytime soon?“

„That’s not what I meant.“

„I might be young but so are you. This relationship isn’t just based on how I feel, okay? Stop acting like your feelings and opinions don’t matter. Like _you_ don’t matter. I don’t fucking care what anyone says or thinks, all I care about is you. I only care about you, why are you saying those stupid things?“ 

Jongin is getting riled up and his chin is wobbling and Kyungsoo feels horrible all of a sudden.

Because the younger is right; in the time they’ve been together, he has never ever given Kyungsoo a reason to even think such things. He’s never stopped treating Kyungsoo like his best friend and lover, never stopped showing him how much he means to him and how much he loves Kyungsoo and he tries so hard to make Kyungsoo feel wanted and appreciated and like the most precious thing in the world - and yes, sometimes it’s all too much and too cheesy and makes Kyungsoo roll his eyes at Jongin being such a hopeless romantic but most of the time Kyungsoo just wonders how on earth he deserves to be with him. 

„I’m sorry.“ Kyungsoo says. He reaches out to brush Jongin’s bangs out of his eyes and cards his fingers through his slightly wet hair, shaking his head at him because it’s cold outside and he shouldn’t walk around without drying his hair. „I guess his words just got to me. I know you wouldn’t… I know you wouldn’t just drop me like that.“ 

„Of course I wouldn’t.“ Jongin sighs and closes his eyes when Kyungsoo keeps stroking his hair. „I can’t believe he did that. I can’t believe he came here and said all those things to you… That’s what I tried to prevent from happening. I never wanted them to find you. I knew this would happen.“

„It’s not your fault.“ Kyungsoo pulls him closer by his neck and kisses his forehead. „We knew this would happen sooner or later.“ 

„I’m still sorry. I’m sorry you had to listen to his bullshit.“ 

Kyungsoo studies his face for a while and his heart aches when he sees how hard the younger is trying to hide the hurt in his eyes. „Do you think they will come around?“

„Me being gay or me wanting to dance?“ Jongin chuckles bitterly. 

„I don’t know. Both.“ Kyungsoo gulps. „They might. You’re still their son, no matter what. They can say whatever they want but I don’t think any parent could hate their own child.“

Jongin gulps, his eyes hardening. „I don’t know.“

„I’m not trying to defend them. I’m sorry. I just— I know they care about you even if they act like they don’t. They’re going about it in the most terrible way possible but— I don’t even know. They’re scared. Of what people might think of them. And they’re scared because we’ve always been told that what we do is the bad kind of love.“ 

„I know that.“ Jongin shrugs. „I’m not even blaming them for that because I know almost everyone from here would react the same way, which is fucking shit, but whatever. But they don’t approve of anything I do. Everything I do is wrong in their eyes. _That’s_ what I’m blaming them for. Parents are supposed to support their children but all they’ve ever done is make me feel like a lost cause and a disappointment to the family.“

Jongin doesn’t say anything for a long time after that but he looks terrible and Kyungsoo feels like an idiot for even mentioning those things. „I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up. You’re not a disappointment, you know that right? I’m proud of you and all our friends are proud of you too.“

Jongin tries to smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes. 

„Jongin… Are you okay?“

„I’m fine.“

„You’re not.“ Kyungsoo pulls Jongin’s hand from where it’s still cradling Kyungsoo’s cheek and laces their fingers together. „Tell me.“

„I’m not lying to you.“ Jongin smiles but it’s tired and strained and not right. „It’s just—I don’t know. It’s one thing when they treat _me_ that way. I’m used to it.. kind of.“ He shrugs his shoulders, rubbing his thumb over the back of Kyungsoo’s hand. „It hurts a whole lot more when it affects you. I fucking hate myself whenever I make you cry.“

„Jongin.“ Kyungsoo sighs. Sometime she forgets how sensitive Jongin is, how much he cares about his loved ones - most of the time more than he cares about his own feelings. „They might be your family but that doesn’t mean _you_ have to take responsibility for their actions. Don’t blame yourself for this. And you never make me cry so what’s that even about?“

„Of course I do!“ Jongin frowns at him. „I made you cry after New York-“

Kyungsoo turns red at the memory of it all. He doesn’t like to think about it and Baekhyun still makes fun of him for being such a mess back then. Kyungsoo can only agree. „That doesn’t count.“ He grumbles, shooting Jongin a warning glare when the younger starts to grin at him.

„Or that time when I surprised you after you failed your marketing exam.“ 

„You were hiding under my bed! I got scared that’s all.“

Jongin chuckles, the sadness having disappeared out of his eyes as quickly as it came. He leans in to brush their noses together. „Or when I told you that I loved you for the first time. Are you going to deny that too?“ 

Kyungsoo tries to stay angry — Jongin knows that Kyungsoo doesn’t like it when he keeps bringing those times up where Kyungsoo had been overly emotional but he’s right because Kyungsoo can’t deny _that._

Yeah, he tends to be over sensitive at times but when Jongin said those words to him after they went grocery shopping a little over two months ago and they were putting the groceries away in Kyungsoo’s kitchen he was surprised to say the least. 

Jongin _is_ a hopeless romantic after all, so to be honest, Kyungsoo always imagined him saying it to Kyungsoo in an overly cheesy and predictable moment; like he thought Jongin would take him out to a dumb picnic at the park because he is just greasy like that.

But that wasn’t the case because Jongin caught him so off guard and did it while they were doing every day house choirs when Kyungsoo least expected it.

So he cried; which was his answer to Jongin’s confession, at least for another month because that’s how long it took him to say it back even if he felt the same all along.

„But those were all… good tears. Kind of.“ Kyungsoo rolls his eyes when Jongin laughs again. „Why do you enjoy making fun of me so much?“

„Because you get mad and that’s cute.“

„And you’re ugly when you grin like that.“

„No I’m not.“

„Stop being so full of yourself.“ Kyungsoo scoffs, trying to tear his hands away from Jongin’s grasp but the younger doesn’t let him, instead bringing him closer until their lips nearly touch.

„I love you.“ Jongin simply says; with those sincere eyes and that smile hiding in the corners of his lips and Kyungsoo can’t find it in himself to keep telling him off because Jongin’s simply melting his insides, the way he’s holding his hand in his own while the other moves to curl around the back of Kyungsoo’s neck. „You hear me?“

„I’m not deaf.“

„So cold.“ Jongin snorts and his breath hits Kyungsoo’s lips, warm and minty and Kyungsoo can’t even stop himself when his mouth starts to stretch into a stupid smile, his heart bursting with love and affection for this boy that somehow happens to be his boyfriend. 

„I love you too.“ Kyungsoo sighs and Jongin closes the space between them to kiss him. Kyungsoo’s eyes flutter closed and he wraps his free arm around Jongin’s neck while Jongin kisses him like he’s trying to make Kyungsoo fall for him once again. He lets go of Kyungsoo’s hand to wrap his arm around Kyungsoo’s waist, pushing forward at the same time until he has Kyungsoo pressed against the back of the couch with him looming over him. 

Jongin pulls back a fraction, smiling against Kyungsoo’s lips when their breaths come out in tiny puffs. „I know, baby.“ 

Kyungsoo pulls his arm back to hit him over the head but Jongin catches his hand and presses it against the couch too. „I take that back. I hate you.“ 

But Jongin only laughs and presses another kiss against Kyungsoo’s lips. „Let’s make love.“

He says it too off handedly, like he’s suggesting to watch a movie instead. „You didn’t even eat yet.“ 

„Still only want to eat you.“ 

„Oh for god’s sake!“

 

 

They do make love a moment later, with Kyungsoo coming apart embarrassingly fast under Jongin’s constant _„Baby“_ and _„Hyung’s so pretty“_ spilling from his lips, how he touches Kyungsoo's skin like he's trying to map it all out despite having done this countless times before. Kyungsoo leaves marks all over Jongin's flawless skin and in return has bruises on his thighs and hips and everywhere Jongin's mouth could reach. They try to be quiet because of their neighbors; Jongin muffles his curses and grunts in Kyungsoo's neck and Kyungsoo hides his moans in Jongin's shoulder and it's all fast and hot but also deep and slow and when he comes it shakes his entire body and he's pretty sure it draws blood where his fingers dig into Jongin's back and where the younger bites into his shoulder. Kyungsoo cleans Jongin's body and kisses the spot where his nails have left marks and Jongin apologizes for the nasty bite mark on his shoulder but they both know that neither of them minds.

After cleaning up Jongin lies down on his chest while Kyungsoo scratches his back with his blunt nails. 

„Jongin.“ He mumbles, sleepy and pleasantly boneless in between the sheets. 

„Hm?“

„Thank you.“

Jongin lifts his head up, staring at him with still slightly glassy eyes and puffy lips and flushed cheeks and god, he’s so beautiful it still takes Kyungsoo’s breath away. „For what?“

„Just… for being the way you are.“ Kyungsoo clears his throat when he suddenly feels his nose prickle. „I— I really admire you. For being so kind.. and generous. And so strong no matter how hard things are.“

Jongin keeps staring at him, a shy smile spreading on his face. „Where is this coming from?“ 

„I don’t know.“ Kyungsoo looks away, too embarrassed. „I feel like I don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate you. I really— I really love you. A lot.“

Jongin turns Kyungsoo’s face until they’re looking at each other again. „Thank you for telling me.“ He smiles, looking even happier than before, his eyes crinkling from how big his smile is and Kyungsoo stares at him for a long time.

He really should tell Jongin more; how much he loves him, how handsome he is, how talented he is, how great he is, how he’s making Kyungsoo happier than anything else ever could… 

„And thank you for loving me back.“

Kyungsoo smiles but ends up laughing. „Okay, that’s enough. I can’t believe your grease rubbed off on me.“

Jongin only hums and snuggles back into his chest where he falls asleep minutes later and Kyungsoo stays awake for a while longer, still stroking Jongin’s back as he stares at the ceiling and thinks about what happened today. 

He hopes Jongin’s parents will come around one day despite everything they’ve done to their son. He can see it in Jongin’s eyes whenever the topic comes up - that he’s hurting. He’s still so young and he needs his family; that’s only natural. And he also knows that his family cares about Jongin as well, no matter how wrong and disgusting their words and actions may be. He knows their culture and society wouldn’t allow them to act otherwise - unless they’re willing to risk their reputation that is. 

Kyungsoo sighs and curls his arms tighter around Jongin. While they’re waiting for the day to come when people will stop looking down upon them for loving each other, he will make sure to support Jongin through everything. They are their own family in some way; the two of them, Baekhyun and Chanyeol and Sehun and even Yixing who’s been hanging out with them a lot ever since Sehun and Jongin started working with him. 

„Hyung.“ Jongin suddenly mumbles, making Kyungsoo flinch because he thought the younger fell asleep a long time ago.

„What?“

„Pancakes.“ Jongin slurs, pressing his face against Kyungsoo’s neck tightly, almost suffocating him under his body but he’s always like that — treating Kyungsoo like a big sized stuffed animal that needs to be cuddled to death.

„What about them?“

„Let’s go eat pancakes tomorrow.“ Jongin yawns and sleepily presses a kiss against Kyungsoo’s neck. „For breakfast.“

Kyungsoo chuckles and reaches up to ruffle Jongin’s hair, heart swelling in his chest from how much he loves this idiot. 

„Alright.“ 

 

 

x ... ... x

 

 


End file.
